Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Five days

Model: G. Farquhar
Photography: G. Farquhar
Digital editing: G. Farquhar
Concept: G. Farquhar

Chapter One - Monday
A Canterbury tale: Dreadzone

Chapter Two - Tuesday
Naked and famous: Presidents of the United States of America

Chapter Three - Wednesday
Sweet Pea: Manfred Mann

Chapter Four - Thursday
Funkier than a mosquito's tweeter: Nina Simone

Chapter Five - Friday
Cocks 'n' asses: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Thursday, 13 June 2013

A night of ropes

I first spoke to Lilith a couple of years or so back.  We corresponded off and on, and kept making vague plans to meet up, but it didn't finally happen until a few months ago.  She had a job in Edinburgh one Sunday morning, so we met at a cafe in the city centre.

We had connected on a mutual interest in things like bondage and female domination.  I've flirted with the idea of being submissive for a few years now, and it took me a while to figure out the contradictions in my personality.  I'm not a submissive person, but I have submissive fantasies.  She, on the other hand, is definitely a dominant woman.  And she has some skills in rope bondage.

We also connected on an interest in the more artistic side of sexual domination and submission.  We knew that even if we met up and had no real sexual attraction to each other - if the spark wasn't there - then we could still have a bit of fun with the rest of it.  She could practice her ropework and take some pictures and I could work with the pictures afterword.

Now, I've never been sure what this "spark" actually is that people refer to, but I accept that it must exist.  I've spoken to people in the past who have described a person they've met.  That person has been attractive and funny and witty and charismatic and friendly, but there has been "no chemistry".  So I've always wondered exactly what this elusive final ingredient actually consists of.  If the other things are all present, then surely that's enough.  But no... I've repeatedly been told that the chemistry and the spark or whatever that other element actually is, has to be present.  But I've never been told - not with any degree of satisfaction - what it actually is.

Sometimes I really appreciate my autism.  Neurotypicals seem to love their complications so much that they invent new words to describe something that doesn't exist, but must be present, anyway.  And then they can't even agree on what that thing should actually be called.

I never asked Lilith whether the spark was there.  I met her at that cafe, we had some coffee and pancakes, we had a bit of a laugh and we parted.  We didn't have much time, because she had to hurry on to her job and we were really just taking advantage of the forty minutes or so that she had available.

I was wearing a chastity device.  I had put it on a couple of days earlier, and we had agreed that it would be worn at that first meeting.  At one point she made me sit next to her so she could reach down discreetly and make sure I was wearing it, but apart from that moment our conversation barely even touched on kink of any sort.  We had already established the kink parameters of our relationship (always assuming the spark was there) so we were really just making sure we were going to get on with each other.

So we got on with each other.  The conversation was reasonably easy and free flowing and we had a bit of a laugh.  And we agreed to meet up again, when we both had time to do so.  It would be another couple of months of planning, but eventually I travelled through to Glasgow to spend the night at her place.

There was a pragmatic part to the way we were both approaching this whole thing that I really appreciated.  We weren't going into it with grand or unrealistic expectations.  We just knew that she was going to tie me up, we'd get some pictures, and I'd post them onto my gallery.  I would get the exhibitionist thrill out of being naked before her, the sexual thrill out of being teased and the submissive thrill out of being bound and helpless.  She would get to practice her rope skills as well as (I hope) the voyeuristic thrill of seeing me naked and the dominatrix thrill out of having me completely at her mercy.  And we would both have the pictures as a souvenir.

When I got to her place, she sent me to the shower to have a wash.  She explained how it worked, but I couldn't figure it out even despite that - I must have missed part of the explanation - and ended up just rinsing myself off under the hot tap in the bath.  Then I dried off, wrapped a towel round myself and rejoined her in the kitchen.  I wasn't sure if walking through naked would be a bit presumptious at that point, so figured I should maintain some sense of modesty.  We talked a while longer, then we went through to her bedroom.

She left me alone in the room for a couple of minutes, and told me to sit on the bed and get comfortable.  That's when I ditched the towel.  I figured that it was a bit damp and it probably wasn't the best thing to sit on the bed with it, and I figured that the nudity was going to be a requirement pretty soon, anyway.  It was getting to the point where the modesty was getting less relevant and would, sooner or later, look more like coyness.  And I'm seldom very coy.

When she rejoined me, she made me stand in a clear space in the bedroom.  I had my Mac with me, and I suggested we use the video camera on it to document the process, but she didn't want to do that this time.  Her room was a bit untidy and she didn't want to feature in the video.  Now, I knew that the clutter in the room would look cool once I'd adjusted the video digitally, and would add to the overall effect - particularly since it would all be background anyway, while I was the main focus.  And I knew I could edit the video so that she wouldn't feature in any way that would make her uncomfortable.  But I also knew that she was aware of this already, so I didn't press it.  Better to wait until a future date when she'd be able to see how I'd deal with the pictures and be more prepared to accept the video.

I've been tied up a couple of times before.  Once, at a fetish event, I was tied up by a dominatrix and that was a lot of fun.  And then, a couple of years ago, I was at a rope bondage workshop, where I was tied up by a French girl.  (She and I had discussed getting together and playing a bit, but she later told me that she didn't think we had a "spark".  I was a bit disappointed by that.)  This was the first time I was to be tied up by someone in a private environment, though - so that cherry was about to be popped.

It was an interesting experience.  She was concentrating, because it had been a while since she'd had the chance to practice on anyone, and I think she was taking a minute here and there to remember the procedure.  This meant that conversation would have been a bit of a distraction, but I was cool with that.  Sometimes I don't feel the need to talk and this was one of those times where I was happier to just let her get on with what she was doing.

I was definitely half hard when I took up the position Lilith wanted, and I was a little self conscious of that, but I'm not sure she even noticed.  She didn't seem to have any interest in my nudity, apart from the fact that it was required for the bondage, so as far as I was aware, she didn't even glance at my cock.  I understood that, though.  I've modelled for enough art classes to know that nudity can become pretty clinical, when someone's approaching the body creatively rather than sexually.

She started off by tying my arms behind my back, but occasionally the ropes would be passed over my shoulders and I'd feel them brushing against my cock.  If this was a public display, or if she was trying to tease me, I would have wondered if that was a deliberate move, but under these circumstances I doubted it.  It would have been unusual if they hadn't touched my cock at any point.  That wouldn't have happened unless she was deliberately trying to avoid any contact.

After a while, got me me to lie face down on her bed.  This was a little tricky without the use of my arms to help me lower myself down, so I sort of moved forward until my knees were touching the bed, then toppled forward.  Thankfully my erection had gone down by then, so I didn't have to worry about hitting the bed cock first.  Instead, I sort of pinned it down, but in a way that there was room for it to grow without hindrance, whenever there were any moments of arousal.  This was when she took the first of the pictures.

I had no idea how cool they would be, until I saw them for the first time.  She took a few, then studied them and deleted a couple, before she showed me any of them.  Until then, I had no idea whether she'd be any good with the framing or the composition, but as soon as I saw them, I knew they were going to be good.  They weren't blurry and she'd got some pretty cool angles.  That's when I knew I was definitely going to get some images I was going to be able to work with and that I was going to get some good results.

Once I was on the bed, she started working on my legs.  Again, there was a lot of concentration going on, and some lulls while (I assume) she paused to remember specific routines and knots.  But gradually, bit by bit, I realised I was securely trussed up.

The ropes round my heels were a bit of a surprise.  At first I thought they were a bit loose, and I wondered if I'd be able to squirm out of them without too much difficulty, but when she got me to test the bonds, I realised I wasn't going to get free unless someone untied me.  I don't know, though.  I can squirm - that's definitely a skill I've got.  Perhaps, with time, I'd have been able to get out of those bonds if she suddenly decided to abandon me.  It's probably not something I want to put to the test, though.

It was round about this point, that Lilith brought out a TENS device.  She had mentioned it before, and I hadn't been overly enthusiastic by the idea, but I also wasn't about to shoot it down.  I was curious and  I've always been experimental.  I'll seldom turn anything down, simply because it might be uncomfortable or a bit painful, so long as I know it's not going to cause any permanent damage.  So, even though I could have refused it, I decided I'd go with it and find out what it was like.

It's probably not going to be my favourite thing.  She passed it across my back and shoulders, and I heard the occasional crackle from it, but I was never sure where the next jolt would come from or how intense it would be.  I think it was turned down pretty low, but I still flinched from it occasionally.

After a while, she needed to read and respond to a couple of emails.  She sat on the bed next to me and used her laptop, while I lay on my stomach and waited to see what would happen next.  I was starting to get uncomfortable, but it wasn't too bad and I was still curious to see what else we could do so I was in no hurry to finish anything.  And given my experiences with life modelling and holding difficult poses, it's not like I was any stranger to a bit of endurance, anyway.  I knew I had plenty of time left before it was likely to become a real chore.

Eventually, she untied me.  I think she was a bit unprepared by how deep the marks would be from the ropes and she asked me if I was bruised or anything like that.  I wasn't too concerned, though, because it didn't seem as extreme as she apparently thought, so I just assured her that the marks looked worse than they actually were, and weren't going to bruise.  By the following morning, they would be completely gone.  I wondered if they looked worse than she anticipated, because my skin is so pale.  She took a couple of photographs of me without the ropes, so she could get pictures of the marks as well.

Shortly after that, I used the USB to put the pictures onto my Mac and made the first edits to them.  I uploaded a couple of them onto my gallery right away.  I made some of them black and white, but at first, I wanted to keep the colours of the ropes in a couple of the pictures.  So I just tweaked the light and contrast, then desaturated them a bit.  Later, though, I realised that there was a lot more dramatic impact if they were all black and white, so I went back and changed them.

The last thing we did was play a bit more with the TENS machine.  She wanted to use it on my cock, to see what kind of fun that would provide, so I lay on my back and let her pass it over me.  This was the first time she actually seemed to show any interest in my cock at all, and the bit that particularly amused her was the way my stones seemed to shy away from it.  She laughed at how they moved every time she drew it near and she got me to record it on the Mac.  I don't think they reacted as much when they were being filmed, though.  Perhaps they're a bit camera shy.

She criticised my lack of pubic maintenance, which was a fair point.  It was a pretty big bush.  It's been a year since I was last able to get waxed, and I hadn't done any trimming lately.

A short while later, I got dressed and she finished off the various bits of packing she needed to do.  She had a flight to catch the following morning, and needed to get a bit of sleep before that, so we were winding everything up.  It sounds anticlimactic, but I  knew it was going to go that way before I turned up, so it wasn't like I didn't know what to expect.

Eventually we went to sleep.  When I woke up the next morning, there was a moment where we shambled around half asleep, and gradually woke up.  At one point I found myself standing in front of her and I guided her hand to my cock.  I didn't expect her to do anything about it, so it was more of a playful move, than an invitation to do anything.  And I was curious to see how she would respond.  She stroked it for a few seconds, then told me I needed to take care of it before we went out.  I was a bit surprised about that, because I had sort of anticipated a bit of orgasm denial, but I took full advantage of the permission and lay back on her bed for a wank.  She left the room, but came back before I had finished and stood and watched me, then handed me a towel and commented on how "focussed" I had seemed while I was pounding away.  I'm fairly sure that if I'd taken the chastity device with me then she might have locked me into it first.  I'd forgotten it, though, so that didn't happen.

Because of the nature of my business, it's not always practical for me to wear a chastity device without planning ahead a bit.  I need to get naked for the hen nights, and I can't do that if I'm locked up.  But since I work with a girl who is at least receptive to a bit of kink, it's possible that she'll hold the spare key and be prepared to unlock me whenever we do a class together, then supervise the relocking afterward.  I should discuss that with her, to find out.

Eventually, we were ready to go.  I helped carry her stuff to the train station and went home, then had another wank and then edited some more of the pictures.

I haven't seen her since then, but I'm sure we'll have another "date" soon.  I'm looking forward to it.  Especially if we have a bit more time to relax into the whole thing.

Friday, 24 May 2013

No need...

Model: G. Farquhar
Photography: G. Farquhar
Digital editing: G. Farquhar

I got a present yesterday. It didn’t take me long to get it on, take a picture and get creative with Photoshop.

Ravenous (The animations)

These gif animations have come out too fast, which kind of leaves them looking a bit Keystone Cops.  But perhaps they'll still serve as a good (albeit comedic) intro to my Ravenous film.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

Ravenous - full video

Model: G. Farquhar
Digital editing: G. Farquhar
Music from the "Ravenous" soundtrack by Damon Albarn and Michael Nyman

This is the full version of the Ravenous video I made up.

Sunday, 12 May 2013


Is it the sunshine? I don't know. That can't be it. It's starting to brighten up a bit right now... at 7:15 in the bastard evening. But it's been a bit miserable all day, so it can't be that.

So why am I feeling so horny today? Why is my cock so hard? Why do I want to meet someone and jump into bed and fuck for the rest of the night?

Seriously... I just want to go somewhere bright and warm and sunny right now and get naked with other naked people. I want to fuck someone and I want to go down on someone and have someone else suck me off. I want to feel someone's hand grasping my cock and a hungry mouth closing on it. I want us all to move together into a complicated, sweaty tangle of naked limbs. Sucking, tasting, squirming, gasping, moaning.

I want to lie back and feel satiated, satisfied and limp. I want to feel my cock spent and worn out, lying across my thigh, as someone curls up against me. I want to fall asleep on a beach somewhere, surrounded by a bunch of other naked, horny people.

I've had enough of wanking. But I think there's going to be a bit more of that in a little while.

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Pervy answers

I was recently invited to answer a few questions. I thought I'd post them - and my answers - in here. Just in the spirit of sharing.

Why do you think you like being naked?

There's a bunch of reasons. Freedom, comfort and exhibitionism - all of them come into it, to varying degrees. But it's mostly comfort. I've always liked being naked - for as long as I can remember. Clothes make me feel stifled and restricted. I'm always conscious of them. There are some body body parts where I'm less tolerant than others. I don't like bulky clothes that come up to my chin and I don't like anything loose round my wrists. I can't wear watches at all. So that's comfort, I suppose.

Freedom is when they come off. A couple of years ago, when there was a nice, warm summer, I was posing for a lot of nude pictures outside with my ex-fiancee. But we were always nervous and conscious that someone might turn up at any moment, so I kept running for my clothes and getting dressed quickly whenever we thought we had heard something. But it's not strictly illegal to be naked outside in the UK and on the couple of occasions that we were discovered, we found that the people who saw us weren't offended. In fact they were amused, or curious or even- the most unexpected response - completely indifferent. Two people turned up at one point and had a long conversation with us, so when I saw that they were cool with it, I just stayed naked the whole time. That felt pretty liberating.

So we built up to the day when we found a hill fort near Inverurie and I said I was going to leave my clothes behind in the car. Then we hiked up the hill together, found the fort, took pictures and generally relaxed. For two or three hours, I was completely naked in the bright sunshine and had no clothes to run for if anyone turned up. In fact, on that day, we were completely alone. But we had chosen an isolated spot on a school day, anyway, so it probably helped that we knew the chances of being discovered were at their most minimal.

I still pose naked outdoors when I get the chance. And I try to keep the risk of discovery as minimal as possible. But if it happens, then I tend to brazen it out. Act as if you're doing nothing wrong and people will generally respond in the same way. In the entire time I've been doing this, I've only ever had one angry reaction, when a man drove up, stopped his car, wound down his window and told me to "do illegal things somewhere else". I didn't bother protesting that it wasn't illegal - I just got dressed and moved on.

What is it that attracts you to the idea of chastity belts?

This is a more difficult one to answer. It's hard to explain.

When I first heard that they even existed, I was curious and intrigued, but I didn't immediately think they'd be for me. But shortly after that, I started to try to write a story that had male chastity as a key feature. The concept was going to have a guy who was offered a deal by a dominant woman - one year of servitude in exchange for a lot of money. Over the course of that year, she was going to try to break him down so that he would give up his freedom entirely and - in essence - become her slave. Ultimately, he would break free.

I have submissive fantasies, but I'm not a submissive person. The character in the story was going to be a similar kind of personality. So, I was building various elements of conflict into it. His conflict with her. His conflict with another person who had already become a slave. His conflict with his own fantasies that were being brought to the surface.

So I was getting into the mindset of this character - who was essentially me, anyway - and when I brought the chastity element into it, I started getting into the mindset of someone who has this tendency to find ways of coping - and even appreciating - challenging circumstances. Rather than whine about how shit things are, he is more likely to find some element that he enjoys, and focusing on that rather than the misery. And also - again, like me - he is the kind of personality who likes to overcome challenges. I was going to build in a whole sequence about how his life would be a lot easier, if he was able to be more relaxed.

Anyway, I researched chastity, I read about how various men coped with it and what the women in their lives got out of it. And I wondered what it would be like to actually wear one. To feel the sense of trepidation as the lock closed and someone else took the key away from me. I wondered what it would be like if I didn't know when I would next be able to masturbate or orgasm or even get a proper erection.

After that, I started researching the different types of male chastity device that was available. I looked at pictures and read reviews. And I started trying to figure out how to find one that would fit properly. I discovered there were further challenges that I had never even considered - like broken sleep from morning erections. And then I realised that if chastity was going to feature properly in the story, then research wasn't going to be enough. I was going to have to experience it.

That presented further challenges. I could get a belt, if I could afford one. But without a key holder, the belt alone wasn't going to be enough. And I had no idea how to persuade someone to be a key holder. There would need to be rules in place, but the arrangement would need to be very clear. Before I could get into the mindset of someone who was genuinely at the mercy of another person, I would have to agree that the key holder would be the person who got to decide when I got to be unlocked.

And there would be different reasons for the belt to come off. Just being unlocked doesn't automatically constitute permission to orgasm. It could be for hygienic reasons - a chance to grab a supervised shower, for example. Or an opportunity to get an erection, so the body processes that allow for erections can atrophy over time. Depending on how intimate the relationship is, it could also be an opportunity for the key holder to maintain or reinforce her (or his, if we're talking about a gay relationship) authority. The key holder could tease and play with the person in chastity. Keep him guessing about whether an orgasm is going to be permitted this time.

I started to wonder just how intimate such a relationship could be. Was it possible for two people to have a relationship with sexual elements like that if they weren't - strictly speaking - in a traditionally sexual relationship in any other way? I've never been cool with traditional relationships, anyway. I always felt that too many things were assumed and taken for granted, and this tends to result in a relationship that I've always felt to be restrictive and claustrophobic.

Inevitably, I started to wonder what kind of relationship I would be cool with and whether chastity could have a role in it. The thoughts started off creatively, then gradually evolved from there. I read various hypotheses on how chastity can actually be used to harness a man's sexual energy and redirect it. How he can become disciplined and focused if he can't achieve orgasm whenever he wants it, because he channels the frustration in other ways. I read about how some women - when introduced to the concept - started using orgasms as a sort of reward when they felt their men had earned it.

I read about how one man stopped smoking, because he had to choose between cigarettes and orgasms. He didn't simply stop smoking all at once, but gradually he was allowed fewer and fewer cigarettes. The amount he smoked was totalled up once a week and if he exceeded that week's allowance, he was not allowed to cum.

I wondered about the potential to cheat on such an agreement. The man could have had a sneaky cigarette here and there and simply lied about it - it wouldn't have been easy to check. So that kind of relationship was dependant on trust. But I looked up further examples.

Another man was made to lose weight. Once a week he was weighed and if he didn't reach a specific target, then orgasm was denied. That sounded like a more binding agreement. Targets were established, rewards were clear and specific and there was no opportunity for cheating that I could identify.

Another man encouraged to reach targets at work. Another man was a compulsive gambler and he lost all the savings the couple had accumulated. I became fascinated by the creativity that the various couples were employing within the relationship.

I also was fascinated that in all of these cases, the relationship was voluntary. These were men who consented to such agreements once their wives had introduced the concept. In a couple of cases, there were threats of divorce proceedings, but there was always an element of choice. I've read of men who have been blackmailed or forced into chastity as well, but these have always been of extremely dubious origin. In every realistic example I've ever discovered, the male accepted the new rules and seemed to genuinely appreciate them. The subtext was that an earned orgasm was more appreciated than one that could be achieved completely randomly. And the more difficult it was to earn, the more it was valued. And all of this didn't even touch on the fact that a rare orgasm actually feels much more intense, anyway.

I started to wonder about what - in my own lifestyle - I would channel sexual energy into. When I studied massage therapy, there was a lot of anatomy involved. I had to study all the major bones and how they interacted with each other, as well as all the bones in the hand and foot. I had to name a lot of major muscles, identify their insertion points and origins and identify their functions. The functions had to be identified with medical terminology, too - words like adduction, flexion and extension. There was a huge amount of information and detail to take in. So I naturally started to wonder if that would be easier to do if I was in chastity.

There's more than one school of thought wrapped up in something like this. The more basic of them is that I would study for a while, get bored too quickly, stop for a quick wank, then just find something else to do instead. The other, more esoteric hypothesis was a bit more tantric. A man apparently loses energy after orgasm and instantly becomes less motivated and more lethargic. I'm a bit ambivalent about that. But as a massage therapist, where a lot of theory covers concepts like meridians and chakras anyway, I was at least receptive to that philosophy. In both massage therapy and chastity, the two schools of thought revolve around mechanics and energy. I've always been completely convinced by the mechanics and open to the energy.

So… with myself, I realised that I would target either studies or physical wellbeing. If I had a relationship with someone who was cool with the concept of being a key holder, I would have submitted to intermittent testing on my knowledge of skeletal and muscular anatomy (as well as various other physical processes) or I would have submitted to weekly fitness tests. My reward would range from supervised orgasms to periods of freedom - depending on how intimate the relationship with the key holder was. At one end of the scale - a particularly intimate relationship - there would be sexual activity and at the other end of the scale it would simply be a period of unsupervised freedom. There's a sliding scale involved, of course. Hand-jobs, blow-jobs perhaps a single wank supervised by the key holder… it all spans the range of otherwise normal sexual activity.

So, after that lengthy explanation, I suppose it could be summarised by the idea of being challenged. There are achievements to strive towards and rewards to be gained if I'm successful. And even on the lowest end of the scale - with the least amount of intimacy between myself and my key holder - the period of unsupervised freedom after a few days of chastity is definitely something to be savoured. Especially if I know it's been earned.

How do you find the freedom of naturism contrasts with the powerless entrapment of chastity. Is there one you tend to prefer?

I'm not sure that the two concepts are mutually exclusive. Fair enough… I can't be completely naked if I'm wearing a chastity device that can't be removed. And I can't exactly get into a shared naturist environment if I'm locked into a device that requires some explanation. But I can still get almost naked at home. It's more about being free from clothes than anything else. Not having the cloth against my body all the time. So I could still be a naturist, but with the slightly conflicting element of a chastity device that exists to prevent sexual activity.

Having said that, I would prefer to be completely naked if I absolutely had to choose between the two things.

Do your family know about your choice of lifestyle? Do you think they should?) (Do they have an opinion on it at all?

Most of my family know about my preference for nudity. But I don't insist on that when I'm around them, so it's not an issue.

I'm going to need to invent a contrived scenario so I can explore and describe how it might become an issue. If my family and I were ever in an environment where clothing was optional and if other people were getting naked, then I'm sure I'd get naked too, after a while. I'd make no secret about it, but I'd most likely not hang around in the immediate vicinity of my family. I'd move away from them and get naked and relax. Chances are good that they might see me anyway, and some of them might take a while coming to terms with it, but if I'm not deliberately getting into their space, then there will be enough compromise going on that we can all generally get comfortable with it. That would simply be about finding ways to compromise.

I don't have problems with most people seeing me naked - and that includes my parents and my sisters. I only get uncomfortable if other people are uncomfortable with my nudity.

Anyway, everybody is aware that I get naked for a living, because I haven't concealed that at all. As an extension of that, they're generally aware that I get naked for creative purposes or for relaxation purposes. They're either comfortable with that or tolerant of it. And in the right kind of context (like in the contrived scenario I already described) I think a lot of them would be comfortable or tolerant of me being naked around them. I see no reason to put that to the test, though.

As for the more sexually creative elements of my lifestyle - I'm more discreet. That's not about comfort or relaxation. It's not a lifestyle choice that people need to be comfortable with or tolerant of or even aware of. It's really not relevant to my family and unlikely to become relevant unless they read some of the things I've written or see some of the art I've created which reflects it. If they did discover any of that, then I'd be embarrassed, but I'd be able to cope and I'm sure they would, too. Some would make jokes about, some would draw a discreet veil over it, but most of them would simply accept it and move on.

My cousin is generally aware of the things I'm into, because he has seen some of the pictures or stumbled across some of the writing. He thinks it's mostly funny, although I'm sure he's intrigued by a lot of it, too. He'll make jokes, he'll call me a pervert (and I'll agree) and he'll take the piss a bit. And I'll maybe get a bit embarrassed from time to time, but I'll always just completely admit it when I get "outed" for any reason. I'm not ashamed of any of it. Embarrassment is cool - shame isn't. It's when people aren't ashamed of their kinks, then they don't have to worry about being outed.

How do you think BDSM or exhibition changes the dynamics of relationships with partners?

This can be tricky. I've long since given up on the idea of getting a long-term partner, anyway. I think it's just going to be in my nature to be generally single and accept the fact that sex is intermittent and sporadic as a result of that. There are too many things that need to be compromised in a relationship and I don't like those compromises.

(I don't just mean sexually. I mean in general. Living space, career options, finances… I don't want to have to consider anyone else's opinion or comfort when I'm making decisions about my own life.)

On the occasions where I have had a girlfriend for a while, I've been open about the exhibitionism because that's something that can't be compromised on. My job requires me to be naked for the entertainment of the people who hire me and my art usually requires me to be naked for various creative reasons. They have to accept this. There was one girl who couldn't cope with me doing the hen nights, so that relationship was simply doomed right from the start. Another girl wondered why there needed to be so much nudity in my pictures and suggested that I could create other pictures instead. I pointed out that I created other pictures, anyway - I do a lot of things and only some of them involve nudity. But I was never going to cut the nudity out entirely, because that's a strong part of my creativity.

BDSM is something that is generally more difficult to justify or maintain in any kind of relationship. Some people are receptive, but others just aren't. So I've had a couple of short term relationships that are completely vanilla. Not one-night-stands, exactly, but not exactly the kind of thing where we're making any long-term plans.

I've come to suspect that chastity is going to be something that almost requires more of a professional approach. Come to an agreement with someone where the terms and parameters are clearly defined and then just relax into it. Have a laugh. So long as both people are enjoying the dynamic and so long as it works, then it doesn't even need to be all that sexual.

I have an on-off relationship with a girl in Glasgow who wants me to wear the belt sometimes, but none of our plans have been practical. I have to get naked for art classes and since she can't be around to unlock the belt, then the periods of chastity have been too sporadic. I spoke about this with a different girl - the person I employ to be my tutor at these classes - and we came to an arrangement. The tutor would keep a spare key, that she could give to me if I was modelling for a class during a period of chastity. At the end of the class, she could confirm that the belt had been replaced and the girl in Glasgow would know that there had been no orgasm and only the briefest interruption in the routine. But that never came about, because the girl I employed stopped working for me before we got a real chance to implement it.

BDSM definitely affects the dynamics of a relationship. It complicates things a lot. I have submissive fantasies, but I'm not a genuinely submissive person in general, so I'm more generally drawn to the kind of relationship that has rules. Agreements. Like… for example… we agree that there are things that are expected of each other. A sort of specific role, perhaps. And if either of us fail in our respective roles, then there are consequences. Now, I'm not a pain slut. I don't like being spanked or punished physically. But if I fuck up on something, or if I don't achieve pre-arranged targets (perhaps 150 abdominal crunches within a certain time limit) then an extra week of chastity combined with a spanking would be the punishment. I'd be motivated to avoid the spanking and very motivated to earn my orgasm.

So I'm specifically interested in challenges and self-improvement scenarios combined with discipline, punishment and reward. And the trick is to find the kind of partner who would have similar philosophies. And that's on top of all the other, less colourful characteristics that I would want in a partner. It doesn't seem like such a thing would be easy to find.

I imagine that the most realistic way something like that would be possible is to hope I eventually meet someone I really like on all the usual levels and hope that person has enough of a playful side that she would be cool with at least trying some of the more unusual levels. Then maybe we can find a way to integrate each others' kinks and enjoy ourselves.

I might meet someone like that, one day. It's always possible. Until I do, however, I just need to be comfortable with what I already have.

Saturday, 27 April 2013


A while ago, I saw a question on the internet. Something along the lines of "which TV series seemed innocent when you were young, but seems pervy today?" And I immediately thought of Monkey.

It was a classic and it's very fondly remembered by those of us who grew up in the '70s and '80s.

But... what you've got is a woman posing as a male Buddhist priest called Tripitaka. I was never clear if this character was just played by a female actress, or was actually a female character posing as a male priest. Either way, it confused a lot of young boys at the time.

Into this gender confusion, you've got Monkey (the monkey god), Pigsy (a Heavenly guard who was expelled for gluttony) and Sandy (a sort of water dragon demon who was being punished for eating people). You can see the vagueness starting to creep in here - but it was decades ago that I watched this on a regular basis.

Anyway, Monkey (as well as Pigsy and Sandy) is given to Tripitaka as a sort of bodyguard. He wears a sort of metal thing on his forehead that shrinks when Tripitaka decided he needs to be punished, so if he misbehaves, the result is immediate pain. So that's slavery, bondage and BDSM - with the device standing in as a sort of "collar" that's a bit more than just symbolic.

There are phallic elements, too. Monkey has a staff that he keeps tucked away behind his ear. When he needs it, it grows to full length and becomes a formidable weapon. The phallic element of that might sound like a bit of a reach, but in the episode where he is given this - by the dragon princess - she hefts it suggestively and asks him to "make it grow bigger". This cuts out of a lot of the potential for misinterpretation.

Monkey is given to Tripitaka as a sort of punishment for various crimes, but mostly he's just a bit dramatic and out of control. His main crime, however, was rampaging around Heaven, (literally) chasing some virgins and "eating peaches".

The sexual innuendo does tend to fly thick and fast, but the main details are fairly BDSM related. Monkey is owned by Tripitaka, he wears a "collar" that represents his slavery and is the means of delivering pain, and he carries around a giant symbolic cock that he beats up other gods and demons with.